guess what happened today!
I broke a tooth!
Now I know what you’re thinking
But Lyla you broke your tooth in June
yes. yes I did.
But I also broke one today
not even 5 minutes after I jokingly said “what’s the worst that could happen, I could break a tooth”
Now I know what you’re thinking again
you broke 2 teeth in 1 summer that’s a lot of bad luck for 1 summer
but no that’s not a lot of bad luck
I also broke my phone, my car broke again, I was broke all summer because I couldn’t get a job until 2 weeks ago, my dad admitted that he doesn’t kick me out because he doesn’t think I can make it as an adult, my mother admitted that my immediate family members don’t like me usually and I changed for the worse when I was 17 (4 years ago), my mother has changed my opinion on my bipolar because from ages 13-21 I thought that it was just something that was going to make it harder for me to be normal but my mother has informed me that I’m wrong and no matter what I do, even when I take my pills, I will never be normal or as good as a normal person. oh and don’t forget when my mom admitted that when she’s suicidal it is because “she’d rather die than be my mom”. And she’s still convinced there was nothing wrong with telling me that/ Which that alone has fucked me up so much. because it’s like ‘my mom would rather die than be my mom’ and ‘my mom does not love me enough to want to stay alive’ and that’s enough to fuck up someone but on the other hand I’m like ‘that was like a month ago maybe even 2 why am I still fucked up?’ and there’s the whole thing about how I was the one that said the words not mom. I told her that when she says she’s suicidal it sounds to me like she was rather be dead than be my mom and she doesn’t love me enough to stay alive and she said that’s exactly how she feels. So she still feels it and I can be fucked up. But she didn’t physically say those words and it’s been sometime so I’m probably fucked up for still being fucked up. But that seems an awful lot like when abuse victims blame themselves and what mom says sounds kinda like verbal/emotional abuse sometimes so I’m fucked up for not realizing how fucked up I am. But also I’m a drama queen and I’m fucked up for thinking that what she says to me is abuse and for even thinking that I might be fucked up for not being fucked up makes me fucked up. Does that make sense? Yeah it doesn’t to me either. I’m so fucked up I can’t even figure out how fucked up I am.
So yeah 2 teeth is not a lot of bad luck. THAT is a lot of bad luck.
Ok I know again what you’re thinking
But Lyla you seem so calm and put together right now
I’m fairly certain I’m growing dangerously close to mental break down
and school starts next week.